5) Mariah – There’s a Joke About Boning in Here But I Can’t Think of It
Ahhh, back to something a bit more straightforward. No more ambiguity here, just one straight-up savage beatdown. Steely Dan may have gotten it pretty hard, and so did Mirashon, but they don’t match up to poor Mariah.
See, where Santana and ZZ’s ambiguous fates are what make their defeats so chilling, Mariah’s defeat makes the list because the narration goes into more detail than it usually does. We all know that Star Platinum hits hard, hits fast, and hits a lot. But we’re just told that these opponents are retired and cannot fight. We don’t get details on the extent of their damage.
With Mariah, things are a little different. After getting smashed between Avdol and Joseph’s metal-clad bodies, the narration makes it clear that the impact broke every bone in her body. Every. Bone.
I don’t know if you’ve ever broken a bone, dear reader, but I’m pretty sure just getting one broken sucks. Now imagine breaking all of them. Every single bone in your body. And this is the narration – this isn’t Joseph bending over and remarking, “It looks like we broke every bone in her body!” That woman is filled with bone dust now.
There’s no Crazy Diamond to fix her up. No Gold Experience. And yet we know she survived, because she’s officially designated as “Retired”. This woman’s gonna have to recover the slow way, however that happens for her.
Get well soon, Mariah. Or… eventually. For now, the number 5 spot is yours.
4) Angelo – Between a Rock and the Same Rock
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. So, Terunosuke’s fate was bad. But hey, living as a talking book inside a public library that’s probably air-conditioned and heated in the winter sounds like a vacation compared to what happened to Angelo.
Let’s be real, though, Angelo deserves it probably more than anyone on this list. He’s a murderer, a rapist, and a dog-killer (even though that last one is pretty common in the world of JoJo), and he takes great pride in what he does.
His defeat is the first time we got a look at what kind of character Josuke is; he has the man who killed his grandfather at his total mercy and decides not to kill him. Instead, he chooses a much worse fate. Crazy Diamond fuses Angelo with a boulder, rendering him completely immobile, yet still conscious. Like Terunosuke, he becomes a cultural landmark in Morioh, and Josuke mocks him by waving to him when he passes the rock on the way to school.
But there’s a reason this one is so high on the list compared to Terunosuke and Santana. Both of them are housed in facilities, their inanimate states protected from the elements. Angelo isn’t. He’s a rock in the middle of an open area in town. There’s no protection from the wind and rain and snow. Furthermore, Morioh is a coastal town, which means salt and sea winds are going to slowly but surely erode away at his stone body. And there’s nothing he can do about it.
Angelo, you were a monster, and you got what you deserved. Welcome to the number 4 spot.
3) Magent Magent – There’s Water at the Bottom of the Ocean
Magent Magent’s defeat goes even beyond the “fate worse than death” assigned to Angelo, Terunosuke, and Santana. When composing this list, I tried to make sure I included as many parts as possible. I didn’t want to lean too heavily onto one specific story. But Steel Ball Run is a bit more difficult to handle, considering Johnny has no qualms about murdering his foes.
To me, this makes Magent Magent stand out even more. Although he is one of the few opponents to survive his battle with Johnny and Gyro, he still manages to have a worse fate than any of the villains in Steel Ball Run, including the main foe himself.
Magent Magent’s 20th Century Boy should’ve made him unbeatable. He can armor up, rendering himself immobile, but completely invulnerable to any attacks. He doesn’t even need to eat or breathe when it’s active! He’s completely untouchable with his Stand – and yet this is what leads to his downfall. After being knocked into a river, 20th Century Boy activates to keep him from drowning. But he sinks too low, and would never be able to swim up to the top without running out of air.
He ends up stuck down there. He can’t move with 20th Century Boy active. And he can’t deactivate it, or else he’ll drown. His only hope is for someone to come and rescue him, but no one available knows he’s even down there. The narration reveals that, eventually, he simply stops thinking. Period. But who knows how long that took? How long was he down there, hoping for rescue?
You’re stuck in that river, Magent Magent. And you’re also stuck in the number 3 spot!
2) Kars – Space Exploration on the Cheap
If Magent Magent’s fate was bad, then Kars’ is even worse. It’s mostly the same story beat, but taken to the extreme. He finally achieved his perfection. He was invincible, immortal, he could create life with a wave of his hand. He could change his physiology to survive any conceivable threat. He was like a god.
But he was up against Joseph. Freaking. Joestar.
There is no defense that Joseph cannot outsmart. No barrier he cannot troll his way around. And if you do give him something he can’t fool, he’ll just depend on pure stupid random luck to defeat his opponents.
Kars paid the price of messing with Joseph, and it got him shot into space like another face in a red jumpsuit. But unlike Joel Robinson, Kars didn’t get a cushy satellite to hang out in. Instead, his body froze up and prevented him from moving. Like Magent Magent, he was trapped by his own immortality. There was no way for him to change his direction, and no way to get back to Earth (or any planet for that matter).
I don’t know if you realize this, but space is big. And empty. The odds of Kars actually hitting something are astronomically low. So the guy was just forced to drift and drift and drift until eventually his brain shut down. At least Magent Magent got a nice underwater screensaver to look at. Kars only had the inky blackness of space. And considering he was basically a god, it probably took a lot longer for his brain to shut down.
Sucks to be you, Kars. Welcome to the number 2 spot.
1) Diavolo – I Want to Get off Gold Experience’s Wild Ride
Here we are: The worst wipe-out in Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. I debated whether or not to put this one on the list. My rule was that the character had to survive their ordeal for it to count. But after a lot of internal arguing, I decided that Diavolo still fit the rule. The idea, you see, was not to include deaths because they served as an end to the suffering the villain faced.
Diavolo doesn’t escape from his suffering. In fact, unlike the others trapped forever, he doesn’t even get the luxury of turning his brain off. Every time he dies, the power of Gold Experience Requiem returns him back to Zero, and he is sent off to die again.
And it will never end. The only existence he will ever know is to die and die and die and die and die. Each death is different, too. There’s nothing for him to get used to. Diavolo gets the full package here. He’s trapped forever, like Kars and Santana. He’s getting constantly brutalized, like Mariah or Steely Dan. And the heroes leave him to suffer there, like ZZ. His suffering encompasses the entirety of what it means to be defeated in JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. The ultimate in humiliation, despair, and brutal destruction.
Congratulations, Diavolo. You get the absolute worst possible fate of any villain in Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure.
Now, let’s be clear. All of the people listed here deserved what they got. The villains in JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure are all despicable, monstrous individuals. The sheer, disgusting cruelty of the villains is one of the highlights of the series. So don’t feel bad about Kars drifting endlessly in space. Don’t mourn for Steely Dan, who will probably be eating through a straw for the next few years. Instead, be joyous! Delight in their suffering! Cheer at them getting their comeuppance! They had it comin’.
Hey, if you want to hear me rant about things that aren’t JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, you can do that. Things like Persona or Kingdom Hearts or Steven Universe, even. You can listen to my podcast with this link or you can find us on iTunes at “The Gorge Podcast: With Ben and Sara”. Also, I sometimes stream myself (and Marirose!) playing Kingdom Hearts; you can find that here!
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